If there are no opportunities, you aren’t looking around enough.
I really want to hear a believable official inflation rate figure from authorities. It’s a highly unreasonable wish.
I don’t know what the worth of five hundred rupees will be a few months from now. But I know that it would have lost value, considerably.
This is one of the reasons why we all want some easy quick cash.
If you are a resident of the Paki-Land, you have some easy (totally legal) ways to earn a fortune.
1. Steal. Rob. At night.
If you are nyctophobic, this awesome business idea is not for you and you can go for a 9-5 desk job. Because that’s what you nyctophobics are made for. For the rest of the people who make this world a much more awesome place and can potentially make the nights much more lively, learn to jump over walls and break locks. These Pakistanis lock everything up, not for safety, but to test your skills. Show them how good you are at it! When entering, you don’t need to be melodramatic and hide your faces or wear gloves to prevent your fingerprints from leading to you, that happens in movies and let it stay there only. You just hop in, break a lock and discover your fortune. All the valuables you find inside another’s house belong to you (The 11th Commandment). The owners might have worked hard for it, but did you put any less effort in getting to there?
2. Snatch phones. Smart phones.
If you don’t own a bike already and you can’t steal one, skip this paragraph. We are not here to increase your costs, neither do we expect a heavy investment. So if you don’t have a bike, steal one (at night OR day) to mark the beginning of a wonderful life. It is highly recommended to play it safe and not to approach just anyone you find on your way. The best spot is right next to a police or a Ranger’s car. People feel safe when they are around ‘forces’. At least till a few days back this was the case. When you snatch a phone at gunpoint from right in front of the Police van, that ‘filthy rich’ person you robbed will be left in a state of shock rather than in a state of anger once you leave him phone-less. He won’t hate you, he’ll hate the police standing nearby. Don’t worry or run away, you won’t be caught. Everyone cares about your safety here. Snatch some more, make your parents proud and then sell those little dirty toys these people like to play with.
3. Kidnap a kid.
It’s easy, safe and reliable. Everyone does it. You don’t even need to contact the guardians for ransom from different numbers because if you are smart at it, you will just be untraceable. This lowers the cost considerably. So with minor costs such as those incurred while buying fuel for transportation or balloons to stop a crying baby, you can expect a huge return. Just give the kids some love, they are your clients and you don’t want your clients hating you, right? In these times of poverty and inflation, you ought to try this cost-efficient and high-return business plan.
4. Become a pirate.
It’s a ‘cool’ profession. After Pirates of the Caribbean, I have started having a high regard for pirates. You can tell your children, there are two pirates in this world, the first is Captain Sparrow (Johny Depp) and the second is your Daddy. Moreover, it’s the most ‘in’ thing these days. Hijack a ship and you will get all the media coverage you have always craved for. And even after that, you will remain a mystery. Some countries will fail to provide you with what you need and some will exhaust all their resources to get their people back. It’s true that they may not value lives in their own country, but getting their citizens back from abroad or over’seas’, is a responsibility they take very seriously.
If you are a person of ethics and found the above ‘business ideas’ extremely absurd but read on to find something good, here’s what you should do.
5. Own a cinema. A 3D cinema.
Everyone has been wasting a good amount of money to watch Blu trying to fly and Po trying to attain inner peace, as close to them as it could be. This idea requires heavy investment and homework, but once all is set, all the money we have in these times of inflations and poverty, all the money that circulates in the country, be it stolen, haram or halal, will come your way. Your life will change. Three dimensionally. And you will be as close to attaining inner peace as you could be. So if you got the money or if you successfully collected enough by the four methods above and now want to do something less noble and less adventurous, get people to come to your 3D cinema.
(Disclaimer: I am not a sexist. I used ‘he’ everywhere I needed to because this post is about business ideas. And it’s best for this masculine stuff to be as far away from a woman as possible, right? Who is going to get dominated by males if we open such ventures for those inferior creatures?)
By Kanza Azeemi
Lahore University of Management Science